life of a college student

Two days ago, I received an email from the college I attend, Frostburg State, saying that they have withdrawn me from the university because of my inability to pay the rest of my bill for the spring semester.

If anything, I was hurt. Baffled. Pissed. Disappointed.

And not disappointed in Frostburg. No, not at all. They are just doing business by all means necessary and I understand that. More disappointed in the way my life has decided to pan out. Disappointed in the cards I was dealt and the way I have played them. I guess my poker face hasn't been too phenomenal to say the least, because I have allowed any and every tough obstacle in my life to affect how I played my cards, and I have ultimately failed myself in the process.

I have spent my whole life as a dependent of my mother, who has always worked her ass off to make sure that I attain the best education, clothes on my back, food on my plate. It has always just been me and my mom against the world, a two-woman team facing a world full of wolves. I always felt sorry for the wolves...

But now, I am under the impression that the wolves won this hand. The wolves chewed me up and spat me out and left me and my mother helpless and defenseless. I'll be 21 in three weeks, I still work as a sales associate at Urban Outfitters, I don't have my degree yet (not super close, either), and I feel as though I am incapable of taking care of myself as a grown woman. And that sucks tremendously because this whole time I'm sitting here thinking I had the perfect plan, paved the yellow brick road for myself and I thought I followed it to a tee. I thought I had it in the bag, that I was surpassing so many others my age and that I was doing well.

My mother said that she would pay for college during my senior year of high school. I have transferred schools three times for various reasons, but I was determined to stay at Frostburg and bang out these last few months and get my degree. I made Dean's List for Spring 2014 and I worked my ass off--I hardly partied, never hung out with my friends, fully dedicated myself to my studies.
And, for all of this hard work, I can't continue my college education for monetary reasons. And I realize then that I'm not so different.

Yes, I'm brilliant. I'm beautiful. I'm spunky and determined. But there are many others just like me who are staggered by the lack of help from the government to pay for school. I received no financial aid for this past year because "my mother makes too much money", even as a single mom who lives paycheck to paycheck because she pays for my schooling. There are so many others just like me who don't have enough credentials to get a well-paying job to help pay for school significantly, but work two to three jobs, driving themselves up two walls and down two more, to pay for 12 credits. The cards we are dealt at this point are not fairly dealt to us. We are chained to a chair and thrown cards and are not given a choice on how to play them because the government never gave us a proper choice. Either be rich or commit mental and emotional suicide every semester in hopes of finding finances for college. That's what happens to us. We are the lambs, and they are the wolves. And they deal the hands and play them, too. We are a generation that has so much talent and determination and intelligence and perseverance and diligence, all trapped in bodies and minds that have no way to pay for a college education. We are forced to cry out for help and, most of the time, our cries are answered by a fat tuition bill and a lifetime of student loan paybacks. We are a generation that is forced to feel helpless when all we need is a chance. All we need is an open window of opportunity and we will climb through it, even if we cut ourselves on the broken glass. We may be helpless, but we are determined.

I can do so many things with the cards I have been dealt. I can be a model, an actress, a screenwriter, a journalist, an editor...all I need is the chance.