N.

"Stupid head!" "Butt face!" "Ugly!" "Yo momma!" 

I was taunted as a kid. I had a little excess facial hair, and I was taller than any boy I encountered (plus, I was a tad awkward). Kids called me all kinda of names: a man, she-woman, jolly green giant, bearded lady (I didn't have a beard), among a slew of other names. But now puberty has done me well. I'm beautiful and smart and still awkward and people love me, and though I will never forget the kids who called me these names, I have bigger and better things to worry about than dwell on the past...which leads me to this story. 

On April 4, 2014 I was a contestant in the Alpha Phi Alpha Miss Black and Gold District Pageant. In this pageant, there was a "question round". What that means is that each woman is asked a question, in which she doesn't know the context, and the woman must answer in the most poised and educated way possible. 

We all received the same question: do you feel that the use of the n-word is a problem in our society?

I had not known how the other ladies answered, because we were led into different rooms so we wouldn't hear the question or answer of the lady before us. 

I walked on stage elegantly and nervously, wearing a gorgeous gold sequined mermaid gown, and prepared for my question. 

"Do you feel that the use of the n-word is a problem in our society?"

I paused. I wasn't expecting this kind of question, and Lord did I want to win this for my school more than anything at that moment. But as I thought on how to answer the question, and as I reviewed all the faces in front of me, anxiously waiting on my answer, I realized that what I wanted more than this win, was to be honest with everyone who came to support me that day, and to be honest with myself. I answered the question in the most honest way I knew, and I would like to expand on my thought on this topic in this post. 

Like my intro paragraph, I was teased and taunted throughout elementary, middle, and a piece of high school (I started getting my eyebrows done in my sophomore year, so the excess facial hair was no longer an issue). Now, I will be 21 in two weeks. I have a beautiful boyfriend, a cool job, ambitions, a killer smile, and lots of friends who love who I am. I'm not 9 years old anymore, and although those cruel words from those kids hurt me then, I'm not affected by it in the least now. 

The word "nigger" was created by old white racists as a way to make sure black people knew that they were not like everyone else, that they were beneath the rest. Black people were degraded for years by this term, and, when someone is purposely trying to be racist, we still are. 

You'll hear the word "nigger" used by 11-year-old white boys on XBOX Live on Call of Duty. You'll hear the word "nigger" from drunk frat boys who may get in a slight dispute with a nearby black guy who hit on his girlfriend. But black people changed this word to mean something social. We have always been a race to change something negative into a positive, to flip something from cynicism to optimism. We changed "nigger" to "nigga" and used it amongst each other so that others using it on is wouldn't hurt us. And now, it's used in rap songs, as words of endearment among friends. It is no longer seen as a bad thing, and to continue to compare a black kid calling a friend his "nigga" to a white slave master calling his slaves "niggers" is so demeaning. And by demeaning, I mean to contradict our creative and witty attempts to stay strong throughout the racism by changing a racist term to a term of endearment is demeaning. It's just like being called names in elementary. Are you really going to live in the past over some name blacks were called years ago? We can recognize it but we can move past it. We have a black president, and so many other black people have made significant footprints on our society, footprints that are way more significant and should be more important than the word nigga. Society's focus is too much on the negative past more than the positive present. Just let it go, my nigga. Let it go. We have become so much more than a word from years ago, so what's wrong with a "hey man, you my nigga" every now and then? Nothing. It's so small compared to everything else black people have accomplished. Let us have what we created to relate to each other! What harm is it doing? None. So just get over it! No harm done. 

Nigga nigga nigga.